Been Long!

Hello Readers,

It's been ages that I have written anything, leave alone blogging.
The thought that comes to my mind is, who the hell decided that women can do it all, should do it all, without giving us another 24 hours!

I am very sure it's the case with every mother. I am also in awe of mother who sends their daughters with perfectly braided hair at 7.30 in the morning. Take a bow all of you!

But, here I am, deciding to all that my heart desires, writing included.
I will try and keep you entertained, bear with me!

Love
L

Right now, things are a little foggy...like the picture below!

Vikramaditya Veergatha

Okay, first thing first. I am a voracious reader and NEVER wrote anything close to a review.
This on is NOT a review.

So Author Shatrujeet Nath, you need a wiki page. STAT!

As you all know, I had a baby. So my reading in past two years was limited to Jeff Arch latest series (me being a fan and all) and a very few I have been waiting for release. And a few more, when the husband thought I might just go mad or die because of not having a "currently reading" number. So may be two more in this category. That's for my reading bucket in two years. I knew I was legging behind and I did not do any search for good reads.

Then comes my birthday. My Sister, you all know what she is to me, as usual offered a birthday gift. I asked for something, but her condition was, it has to be exclusively for me. She thinks I am a giver and I aways end up sharing what I get. So stubborn that she is, the offer was Kindle, take it or leave it!
Who on her right mind, thinks of letting go a something like this? Who had no idea what a Kindle can do? Me Me!
But all that is history. When I got MY KINDLE, it was like "chocolate factory to my french brother in law".  Amazon you have actually outdone yourself with this device. I never read an E-book. I hated that concept. But the e-reader is something meant for me. Read on it says.

I wanted to read "This was a man". The mommy me did not notice the release date. So when it did not happen, I learnt about KINDL unlimited!! The exact idea I was pondering over, and voila, great minds think alike. So the amazing thing happened and I found a ocean of book, for as good as freeeeee! I had to do the happy dance.

This book came as a "recommendation" from KINDLE. For not having anything better and not having enough time to search and also for desperately wanting to read, I said, why not.

The idea was to read until my Jeff Arch is released. To just keep me company. The problem started when the first few pages were read. I could not put the damn thing down. It's been a long while since I found something this irresistible! Where I wanted to read the last chapter first. Trust me I do that.

Book 1 is The Guardians of the Halahala". I thought what a weird title. The author must have something in mind. But fellas, read it if you like mythology being turned into history. My favourite type! I am not going to be spoiler and talk about the story. For that you need to pick this one up.
The best part in this book is things are left to imagination, not too many details on what the characters are wearing or eating or things like that. I love that factor where the author is more focused on the over all story, THE STORY, and weaving of the characters together, the swift change of scene without getting lost or bored or having to go back to the previous chapter to remember. This does not mean the characters were left alone. Read it to know what a fabulous justice done to each of them. It was pure bliss reading. A easy read an excellent read. It was a vivid flow of scenes in my mind, like a fantastic movie but in words!

So book one ended.

I started to look for all other parts like the Asuras and Devas hunting for the Halahala. But, as the author would have it, the series is only at it's second book. I promised to myself not to buy any until I finish all the Kindle Unlimited (impossible task, I know). But here I was, sneaking in just this one book! Sorry brain, the heart just stayed in Ujjaini! This one was equally charmed like the first one. Did not let me down like many series I started and stopped a few page on the second or third part. This kept me going. I literally burnt the mid-night oil. I had to. And then the last page! And now I am super upset, that it  is over and the next instalment is god knows when! Correction Mr Nath knows when.
After a long time, a book transported me through time and space to the land of Sindhuvarta. I am seduced, I am charmed and I am enchanted.

I am waiting for Vikramadiya and his Navaratnas to tell me more. To show me more!
And I think I know where the plot is headed Mr Nath, but I am waiting for you to tell me. And writing here would be unfair.

Looking at me hunched over, for last few days, actually ten days, the husband said,"It's not like the book is going away.... you found something didn't you!" This came from experience! And I could see where! Of course he does not know I broke my "no buy" promise to myself.
SO, that's the endorsement from the husband that I am engrossed, when he feels neglected. And neglected he was...for another married man Vikramaditya!


I have different sections of shelfs for books.

1. Read, whenever you have nothing to read.
2. Read, closed, may read again.
3. Read Done!
4. Read, can be given away.
5. Bought, yet to Open.
6. Opened and Disappointed.
7. Don't know why did I buy these.
8. The Husband's Shelf!

To Mr Shatrujeet Tripathi, both of your books are now neatly kept (not shelved, not put, but kept) right next to the Shiva series by Amish, Jeffrey Archer whole lot, Cleopatra's daughter by Michele Moran, Harry Potter, All of Dan Brown, Christopher C Doyale and many such favourites of mine, in shelf no 1. "Whenever in doubt pick one" section of my library. And when I tell you it takes a lot to be put in this shelf in the first go, you need to take a bow!!

Right now, in my house,  Vikramadiya is kept warm by Robert Langdon, The Cliftons and the likes until his bestie comes back!!

A Mother Lives and Dies With her Child

I was doing pretty good for myself before becoming a member of the SHAM club. And choosing to become a mother exclusively is the top marks decision I ever made. I married a Geek and Movie buff. When people asked, early on, if we had a love or arranged marriage, I came up with “ Arranged, just that we arranged it ourselves.” I have been married for nine years to this fantastic man. I have two sisters and he has one ( fab one at that). Yes, I love the husband bashing with my girl gang, but snuggling upto him is more fulfilling. 

After we got married, for the early two years, we did not want children. For reasons like not financially prepared or having to enjoy married life and all those reasons that we new age, independent and forward thinking couples find to delay children. But like everyone, we wanted a child, just not immediately. We even discussed adoption, if not biological. So, when staying at TTC status for more than three years, nothing happened, we took the treatment way. All the tests turned out normal. We were told there is no reason why we should not conceive naturally. We made some more love, and went back to the doctor, hoping against hope to make a baby. 

The pain and trauma we woman chose to go through to make a new life! God was surely out of His rockers when He created woman!  The super figure, head turner me, turned XXL and the migraine went through the roof. The sensible logical me was no where to be found. The happy couple, many envied, started to fight. Or truthfully saying, I picked up a fight for no reason at all. I was angry, I felt humiliated. I was torn between my desire and my self-respect. I must have done something right, I was sent my man Friday! He picks me up when I fall apart. He holds us together when life tries to tear us far! The husband realised, in the alter of family the sacrifice was the couple. And, we were not ready to pay this price. One night, after six months or so, he came to the rescue, asked me stop all external intervention. To start with those,I was given a choice, to end the agony, I was not given a choice. He became my overlord, this once in nine bloody long years. We vowed to hold and have each other, baby or not. That was one of the moments I wanted to marry him again! 

In 2011, we moved to Shillong, I quit my job, to be focused to make a baby and be with my parents. And of course it was a fab career move for the man of the house. I was anyway getting bored with corporate and wanted to cook! Yes I am an excellent cook, or so says the people. And since we did not have a child, I was like what the heck! Why do I need the money, I want to go stay with my sister, visit the sister in law, cook for my parents, build the farm!! Basically live life. We also started to talk about alternative solutions ranging from IVF to Adoption, the entire spectrum in-between.

I wanted to conceive and carry a life within me. I wanted the kicks and the gas. I wanted it all. The sensible and logical husband however could see the rabbit hole I was digging for myself. Looking at my occasional breakdowns, he proposed if we do not make a baby, mid 2014, we file for adoption. I was like whatever!! i want to make a baby not adopt. How can that be? What will people say? I will be called name, and will I be able to love the adopted one? What if it’s gene’s take over? The train of stupid thoughts won’t stop. 

The year 2013 had been a roller coster. First my sis in law fell pregnant, my mother died, I had a miscarriage and I hit the bottom of mental health. Plus side, got back to shape and size. Not all of it, but mostly. Used my creativity in the kitchen. Baked, cooked and walked ! Started to live life as I promised myself when we moved to Shillong. But most walks ended in me being back in bed and uncontrollably sobbing all alone. All I saw on the road was big bellied happy woman, tiny toddlers running around. I could not cry in-front of the man I love so much. Though he knew, he said nothing. The days, I did not want to pull myself out of the hole, he pulled us out to dinner in a fine place.He ignored the useless shopping I did, most of which I gave away. He told me I looked great even when I did not. I cropped my waist length hair, it broke his heart; all he said, it will grow back. 

In October 2013, an offer came from an uncle of mine, he is an Ob-Gyn and knew my case. He had a baby boy abandoned in his nursing home and wanted us to come pick that boy up. He was happy to issue all necessary papers. Don’t blame the doctor here. I was born in his hands, and ever since he knew me. Even he could not figure out why we were not conceiving. He knew my condition and he is family! So he offered what he offered at a great risk. Exactly that’s when, I knew and the husband knew, we were not going illegal. If we have to adopt its going to be through due process. Not like this!!! After all, I wanted to become a mother in the most biological way. Who wanted to adopt anyway?

My mother decided to pass away in Nov 2013. She had never had good health, but what a mind and soul! We had a running joke in the family, that dad would do much better if mom could guarantee for all those years she lived. Where as mom declared every year she was dying the next year. I grew up knowing this uncertainty. This made me a person, who manages any emergency extremely well and knows how to keep emotions in check. But when she passed away, on my watch, something in me changed. Till now I have not cried my heart out for her. I am still angry at my mother. After we lit her pyre, I bled, like a river. Tests told me, a baby was flushed! So I killed one more on my watch. This was a death I had to manage myself. Keep to myself and stay awake all by myself. The husband finally broke down and pleaded with me to come back to him. I did not hear him. I did not hear any one for that matter. I was either bitter or angry or crying through out the day. Our family was falling apart. 

I did not notice the calendar change or dates change. It did not matter to me any more. Why do I care? I became a zombie. MIL had to make a nasty comment, “ don’t blame anyone if your husband goes stray.” I mean seriously woman, you either have nothing inside that skull of yours or you are pure evil! Well, the husband held on. Later, he told me, he knew his wild cat was somewhere there. He was sure he will find me like all those years back. And I think I need to Thank someone for this guy. 

Then came 2014 June, and one fine morning the stick gave me two lines. Two crystal clear lines! Never knew lines could make any one this elated. I did not know how to react. I was afraid that just moving will give me periods. I screamed for the husband at 6 in the morning. He had the jolt of his life. He thought I slipped in the bath! The husband was elated, and was in a I-told-you-so mode proud. That day after a long time, I cooked my favourite breakfast. Yes we were happy, we made a baby after all. 

Came August and my darling sister also gave her happy news. My father went crazy happy. We were going to be mothers, together! We laughed at our happiness and cried at the stupid inter continental distance between us. We could not run to hug each other or do what two pregnant woman could do to be with each other. We shopped for each other, we planed for each other. The days were moving at it’s own pace and whim. 

It was December 2014, I was 6 months plus. On the christmas day I woke up with a super sharp pain. Sharp enough to cry. As it would be, I landed in the ER. They tried and did what not. I was told not to hope, I still hoped! The husband was asked to be prepared, he was not.  On 26th December 2014, they took the call to induce and try to save both of us, rather my baby. I did not need to push much, she was tiny after all. And I was dejected. It looked like a scene straight out of a medical drama series. Just that it had the husband and me featuring in it. Of course there was no “ we can only save one” moment or scene or situation. I was fine; but my baby, not so much. She was born pre-mature at 1.1kg and barely breathing. I don’t remember anything! And do not know if the husband does. That’s when it stung me hard. So hard that breathing became difficult. Life seemed worthless. What was I thinking lying on that stupid hospital bed! People should not be allowed to think in such moments. Specially not woman! I thought, I am never going to be a mother! My world was falling apart once more. This I time, I was not sure if I would be able to find my way back. 

Another new year came and went. We stayed in the Hospital. The little form of human was wrapped in tubes and god knows what not. All she did was breath and god she breathe strong! Or the monitor was tweaked to show me such. Days became weeks and then months! First, she was not ready to come out of the stupid box! Then the doctors were not sure! Why do the doctors have to be so diplomatic? Finally I gave up and started to prepare for the worst! I was ready to runaway or dig myself a hole or do whatever people in utter grief do. 

Those were the days when the non believer in me got pushed around a lot. The mother in me lived with every good sign of health and died with every bad ones that the hospital people said. I waged a war with the universe and promised to never pray. It was already about a month and a half, and like the whimsical me, I decided to go be with my sister. The mini me I created did not show any sign of coming home any time soon. I could go peek at her box for like a second every day. So I thought what the hell. At least let me go away from all these. It was also effecting my mental health and I wanted to run away. So I took up filing for visa, booked my tickets and shopped some more. I was ready to travel in the first week of April and it was February! My sister did not like the idea much but she did let me waste my money on visa and tickets anyway. As she says, sometimes I needed to be kicked hard to come to senses. 

The month of celebrating Love wanted to throw me into another twisted tale. Baby B started to gain weight and get better. I started to go to the Hospital daily again. Don’t judge me here! There was nothing I could do for her, except increase the risk of infection. So the husband did the painful task of checking in on Baby B every day, without miss. I would go on my good days and skip on the bad ones. By end of February, she came out of the fake tummy (read incubator). And I started to build hopes again. This time very cautiously. And here I was, with travel plans and baby plans. They do not go hand in hand. My sister knows when to twist the knife. And she got herself a very wise man! She said something like “ If you come now, I will know you never wanted to have the baby at the first place.” I think at times I need a sucker punch to chose right and chose quick. What the hell was I thinking!!! But I still did not cancel my tickets! You never know, said the devil in my brain! Come to think of it, I let the husband go through hell and was ready to run away. Like the ever loving caring and understanding man he is, he thought I needed this! Really? and what did he need? The wife? Or may be some one to cry together? But there I was, rendering myself useless. I am sure I smoked weed. What human in her senses behaves this way! I am not that. I am a caring sensible logical person. I sure did do some drugs. 

March started to build more hopes and pack more life to mini me! But she looked more and more mini husband.. Grrrrr!! Probably the price for letting him be the guardian angel and toiling away my life in my own sorrow. Finally they told me we could take her home!! And for that we needed a name. We did not do all those. We thought we had time. So I went back to my mommy list from another life time and picked up 30 probable names. I let the husband chose. It took another week to actually get her home. We shopped more. I send the box of stuff I bought for my sister by courier, but did not cancel my tickets till I had my girl sleeping in my house for a day. On 29th March we brought her home smiling, breathing and kicking! All the cloths I bought were pretty big! I bought for a normal 3 months old! But as they say, all big ones come in small packages. My nuke came in under weight and tiny. Who still fit on top of my tummy or Dady’s! By the way, it seems she completed her gestation before actually venturing into the world. Albeit some part artificial.

The sister again asked a vital question, when are you going to celebrate her birthday? 26th December or 29th March? Both dates had their own significance and own set of arguments. We chose 26th and on the later date, we celebrate within just the two of us. She being married to a french man, had her problems, like less gifts or clubbed gifs, because birthday and Christmas is going to be together. I mean seriously? But hey, who knows. She might just be right. 

Of all the things that my girl taught me, its the courage never to give up. Like my mother used to say, don’t give up, ever. The faith, that what has to happen will happen seems to hold. I am non religious but not a non believer. Our priories changed. Our choices are more baby centric. Dinners are planned around her sleep timings. I can tell people no, because it is difficult or stressful for the baby. The looking-for-approval-from-all and kill-myself-for-others-me, no more bothered what other people thought. I did not bother how I looked, as long as she looked up and smiled. The husband kissed anyway, he got his wife-partner back after all. The trust and resilience this man has ! I am sure going to keep the fast that woman do to have the same husband over and over again. 

The terrible MIL did not come visiting my daughter. But from people around the world sent us wishes and boxes for the baby. Guess the equation is an winner. Who wants one MIL against all these people? I surely do’t. I had the full on plan to never let my MIL see my girl and if possible her son too. But being a mother taught me how hard and hurt she would be. So I took the high road. On one condition, do whatever, but keep me out. And enjoy the little bundle of joy, but do not interfere. Where the hell did I get this strength to speak like this, I wonder. Now I am a tigress with a cub. My cub! To hell with anyone trying to cross! I will burn the world down if you try to scratch my girl.   

The weekend was flooded with people who wanted to see my daughter! My daughter!! And my daughter, only wanted to stick to the husband, not even me! That night, I thanked for the stand and the fight he gave.That night I knew I was going to fight for these two, come what may. I kissed him hard and he kissed me back. That night we slept like a family, and I smiled a lot. 

It’s amazing to see how father daughter teams up now a days. How he rocks her to sleep, because Baby B wants to be put to bed by Papa on some nights. He wants only the best for her. His calls from office are now about if she has eaten, slept, played; and not about me or him. And he gets angry when strangers try to talk, smile or touch in a super market or a park. The little Miss Munchkin being the crowd puller that she is! Lot of people pass a judgement commit, “who does she look like?”. I proudly say, her Papa!! I know the men in the family is going to have tough time in very near future, she being the only girl and they wanting to form her queen’s guard. 

I crib, cry, fake that I am sleep deprived, but the devil in me laughs saying, you enjoy every bit. She kicks hard and I am hurt. She runs back to kiss, because mama is hurt. At that moment, who cares that I don’t know a thing about being mother. The selfish me smiles, when no one can sooth her or feed her, but me. I want to tell all those people, who laughed, or passed a comment or showed pity, cause I was without a child, make way you insensitive people, my girl is here. I wish I kept a list, the sinister me thinks. I could send a postcard to all of them . 

I grow an inch fatter, when she picks up her jeans and a tee, because mama is wearing the same, or does a happy dance because I am wearing a bindi. 

We go dancing because she learnt a new step, like stomp your feet or say hurray. When she comes to me saying “mama up”….oh how I love to hold her. 

And the other day, I was sick on bed for better part of the day. She told the maid and the husband to “shush…mama (shows the sleep gesture)”. Oh my heart cried of guilt and happiness! I got myself a daughter!

Our Miss Munchkin is 17 months old today !!! I will trade every life, if it’s there, to be her mother and won’t have it any less. She sets very very high standards for a toddler, any other child of ours will find it very difficult to match upto her!! The non religious me sends up a Thank You. 

For my daughter, Live Life  As the song says: 

I will ride, I will Fly

Chase the wind and Touch the Sky!!

I Could Not Find An Apropriate Title for This One !!

I have been supplimenting my writing whimsies by blogging for about 7 years now. And then came the fever of SNS and updated technology. So of late I have been micro blogging on SNS.

But, in the age of internet, the peace of mind is reduced by the hour. So I am thinking of actively writing here and be done with SNS.

While growing up, I have been a very different child. I know it when I now look back and try and see it as an adult. I realize now, my best friend is not from my school/high school. I have no toys that I saved. I do not ever want to go back to being a child and never say, 'ah those days'..well guess I do not understand the meaning of those. Well even when in graduate school I did not make much friends.
Now many years later, when I am reconnecting with many of my school mates, it seems I was quit an item number. At times I do not remember those sending me friend requests but they kind of know me. Well, I am left with nothing but accept such request and try to play detective in my mind and figure out who is that person. In most cases, some how the pieces fall in place.

In the race of life, the poeple account seemed to be always blanced some how, for me. I add new friends, meet new people and for some reason lose some. The ones with whome I fall away, are mostly because of some silly words by useless poeple. It seems I feel really bad when this happens. I mean seriously, what's wrong with you guys?? I cherish people and friendship, but it seems increasingly difficult to do so. Why there is always a race for supiriority? Why does it have to be the case to win?

I have also realised, that I intimidate people. Irony is that I do not know how. So how do I manage to do it? I do not have any idea.

I lost a lot of friends to marriage. They were man !! This is the most tragic, funny and happy way of losing a friend! Tragic because I think they stopped being friends right after their wedding, just becasue their wives are insecure. Why? Have not found out yet. Where as I cosider myself  'a hopelessly in love with my husband' type of a woman.  Funny becasue some woman seem to consider me a threat. And happy because my friend seem to have a companion who fullfills his life completely.

So in the age of SNS, socializing is limited to internet. Good news is complimented by a 'like'. And I am still friends with those lost people on the SNS, but no human connection !!

This is in memory of eveing tea parties, 3 plate momos for six, late night dinners and drinking, sharing all news by a letter or a phone call....also to the days gone !!

Basic Qualification !!

What career to chose seems to be the most critical questiong in the growing up stage. There is this friend of mine, relatively new, is an engineer turned business man turned teacher cum professional blogger. In his blog there is this post where he has mentioned about the eassy in school we use to write about our goal in life. (Refer and find out if you can read Assamese www.pratibhudutta.blogspot.com). In indian context eassy marks = your capacily to mug up and re produce!!

So when I see those kids getting worried and confused about what to become and those who knows exactly what are the steps to reach point A, I thought of sharing my career journey.

In one of the TV series, I heard this dialogue "High School is the most difficult place for any one who is least bit different". In my case this seems to fit exactly bang on. I grew up with my sister who knew she wanted to be an architect in 8th standerd. A bit rare in our time, when people only knew and wanted to be either a doctor or an engineer. But she did know and she did become one. Right now she is well established in a different country. And there I was, I knew that I do not want to be a banker, engineer and doctor. But I did not know anything about alternative careers. So I was that kid, who wanted to leave my home town but to do what? No idea.

So, back to my story! After whatever I have done I have turned out to be considerably successful with my prfession. And I often face a question, '' by the way what is your basic qualification?'' In most cases I want to say either ''none of your business'' or  ''12th Pass''. I like the 12th pass answer personally because that seems to be basic because I felt forced to complete my studies till than. So after finishing my basic qualification I went on to persue a graduate degree and a post graduate degree in computers. Till than it was okay. Trouble started when I picked up my first job ! On my first technical job in 45 days I realised, I cannot be without sunlight for minimum 10 hours! I am no Dracula's ( thought I love this character) relative. So there ended my much sought after (then), shortest route to a foreign posting 'techy' career !!

What came next was another few months of unemployed and being supported by my father, did not like this condition, but made the ground for where I wanted to be. For me I made a few rules (write to me if you want those); and job hunting started.

I am no career Guru, but this is what worked for me!

One very fine wednesday morning ( I know the day because the job suppliment of my newspaper comes that day) I saw a 'walk-in' advert, address of which was almost next door to my then residence. So about 10.30 in the morning I land up in this first floor house - yes it did not look or feel like an office from any angle. What I saw was about 50 odd 'job seekers', one kancha ( a nepali teenager) and no one !!! Found myself a chair and kept waiting for about 30 minutes. Just to mention, I have the worst patience in this case.

In those 30 minutes, I found out, the hall was attached to two additional rooms and had a toilet (dirty and stinky).  Behind one of those two closed doors was some one, who was trying to meet every one individually in the age of BPO, JAM and choice by elimination!!

So since I was almost pissed, and do not know on what impulse, I knocked, disturbed in between an interview and walked into that room. I did not realize any thing, but remember that I said "do you realize how many people you have waiting? Donn't you have a coordinator or something?'' The surprised and shocked reply came '' can you wait, right after I finish this I shall call you''. Sometimes later, I was called in. And I offered to sort the mess outside and coordinate and talk rest of my contract once it is cleared. I think that was 8th August 2003 !! And my journey to becoming an HR started.

My advise, if you do something so irratic, be ready for the consequesnces.

I am still friends with my first boss, though I practically ran away from that place!
About Colonel and his boots behind barracks, some other time!!